Arrive in the nap. What up, I-465. What up, Jesse. What up, Derick. Head to Venue. The Dojo. Next to the Emerson. Next to Jay Clyde’s. Next to best veggie burger joint in Indianapolis. Ms. Cookies. Hot damn the garlic salt. $5. Fries. Slaw. Wow.

Phil eats veggie burger. Band is envious. Band eats veggie burgers. Ms. Cookies is happy to have them. Smiles. Phil, Ric, Beppe, head to super market. Minds melt from market options. Eat.

Unload van. The Dojo venue has no heat. Gas company stole the little bulbous steel thing that hangs on the side of the building that turns cold air warm. No worry. Bodies show up and gas the place with punk breath. Balmy.

Decent turnout. Indy could have and should have done better.  Huge thanks to Anna, Julia, Nicole, and Todd for showing up to see me and the band. Heart swells for you. The rest of you…

Post post-rock show, we head to Dorman Street Saloon and the Indiana boys show off the band for their friends and show of their friends to the band. Italian cocktails are talked about. Eebee and Plavin show up and a merry time is had by all. It gets late. Bars close. We sleep.

Wake. Phil and Riccardo itch for exercise. They YMCA. Phil swims. Ric lifts. Endorphins pump. Smiles form.

Collect boys. Eat. Saddle up. Chicago.

Arrive in Nashville. First stop, Robert’s Western World for some touristy honky tonkin. Pretty awesome. The strip of touristy bullshit is super first-time-to-Nashville fun. Everyone smiles.

Leave cool touristy bullshit, head to venue. Before, stop at Nashville’s main goofy attraction – the Parthenon. Yeah, it’s an exact replica built about a hundred years ago because Nashville is supposedly the new Athens. Believer. More smiles. More ridicule.

Depart fake antiquity, head to venue. Venue is close to fake Parthenon and even closer to an alternative lifestyle bar named “Purple Heys.”

Nashville is cold. Band is cold. Venue is freezing. We drink many cold beers to stay warm. A homeless and toothless and witless man helps us. He’s a friend.

Raein plays. Crushes the competition. Venue is neat because it’s in Nashville and because it’s a one light bulb kinda stage. Photos look epic.

Art in a Squat Note: Television that has a secret message once it displays the child’s face is good punk art.

Leave shithole. Go to very nice sleep room at Chris’s. Chris is a local bike aficionado. Single speed. Brakes. Helmet. Nice pants. Nice hoody. Nice hair. Nice girlfriend. Super nice apartment. With Chris as a member, Boosh (Indy) is inferior to whatever his local bike gang is called. Good eats. Raein kills a jar of mayo, ketchup, loaf of bread. Enter Nashville nightlife. See very funny gang altercation on way to Graham Central Station. Impressive behinds.

Nashville Note: Dat Ass.

Return to warmth. Drink Jameson. Sleep. Wake. Eat at Bongo Java or something. Good. Meet James. Tutor him on the ways of being an A/V bro. Mind is blown of James.

James in Nashville Note: James in Nashville is going to fail his audio engineering tech test. Sorry. Java Bongo did not fail my granola test.

Depart.

Indianapolis.

Blogging Note: Details are for snots.

Show was very good. Local bands were very good and came with a solid following of young fans that returned screams louder than Raein delivered them. Raein super fan in thongs. Pack up. Depart. Notice venue is smack dab in between the hood and gentryland. Weird.

The night’s sleep location wasn’t determined before the show so Brian had to use his Indiana boy charm to secure us a floor and a roof. By the grace of Wesley’s brother, and some dimwitted locals, we were able to loosely follow a car of strangers to a mansion in Woodstock, GA, a suburb of Atlanta. Luck holds.

Arrive in green van. Eight tour worn bros exit van. Laugh at nice mansion. Laugh at the security our van possess as it sits in neighborhood of wealth. Enter mansion. Laugh at furnishings. Laugh with residents. Owners not present. Adults semi present. Beer absent. 90 beers arrive. Raein “flip cup” virgins. Raein flip cup sluts. Allesio goes pro. Fireplace is fake. Raein and the Indiana boys sleep.

Wake. Explore mansion.

Atlanta Mansion Note: Have you seen “Empire of the sun?” You know the house a young Christian Bale survives in for awhile after his parents bounce/get took? Sorta like that except with more dog spoiled carpet and hookahs.

Post exploration, we eat food from mansion, Phil is the lone shower taker, we depart.

Nashville.

Show went very well. The band made many purchases from Lunchbox. Beppe and Michele went nuts with music aquisition. Phil got a show poster. Very well done. Thank you teenager for retrieving the last one from your van.

Kevin, Amy, and Maxwell-dog, your meals of Mexican dishes and French toast were fantastic. We all approve. Coffee was remarkable. Thank you for your kindness.

Backing a Huge Van Out of the Driveway in the Rain Note: Don’t let Phil do it.

Driver Note: Brian drives in sunshine. Phil drives in rain.

Show was good. Good turnout. Andrea’s voice is completely shot. Bummer. Textiles traded for money. Pack up. Head to Rachel’s flat. Meet Shira. “Pass the fuck out.” Wake. Band explodes toilet. Try to fix. Apologize. Relate with women about being just a human trying to deal with modern plumbing. Discover that females only leave puppies, flowers, and Mike & Ikes in the toilet. Figures. Leave for tour of America’s capital. Rain. We are wet. See Lincoln in his chair. Discuss American antiquity. Laugh. Run up on Obama’s house. Laugh. Drink coffee. Head for Ben’s Chili Bowl. Spill. Eat. Nom. Nom. Drive to Richmond, VA.

Venue note: Mitchel Hall, at George Washington University, shares its airspace with a Seven Eleven. Convenient.

Seven Eleven Restroom Mitchell Hall Note: Employee restroom has lock problems. Michele walked in on someone doing neither #1 or #2. If #3 is blowing your nose, ear cleaning is #4, and #5 is vomiting, then #6 is surely heaven in a Seven Eleven.

Alisio’s note on Rachel’s appartment: “Are we staying in a bank?”

Note to Rachel: Thank you.

Ben’s Chili Bowl Note: Very nice. May be the only place not hurt in the riots. Bill Cosby is a fan. Raein is a major fan.

Arrive in Richmond, Virginia, and are totally blown away by how fancy the area is that contains the venue. Venue is a punk mansion. Neighborhood surrounding punk mansion is comprised of a blvd and massive monuments to southern heroes from the war of northern aggression. Raein plays in the basement of this punk mansion. Andrea’s voice is still blown. Band, professionals that they are, pick up the vocal slack. Riccardo and Allesio nail the new material. Beppe drops guitar to sing the Raein classics and laces the crowd with his youthful spin on Andrea’s lyrics. A rare event. Phil is very happy to have been a witness. Super nice band, Catalyst, close out the show and wish us well.

Punk mansion’s toilet explodes and rains sewage on kitchen. Gross. Pots and pans with old human food fill. Pack gear. Leave.

No place to stay. Promoter is blasted drunk. Paul. Hunger. Rain. Wet. Savior. Luke, a naptown native that cares not for standing in puddles or for fancy automobiles but does care about teaching the kids, and being a Raein super fan, offers to put us up in his flat. We accept. We Taco Bell. We sleep. We wake. We explode toilet. We throw water in toilet. We Guitar Hero. We “Everlong.” We leave. We Charlotte.

Survival Note: When traveling with little money and a few crucial supplies, it is important to keep them in your possession. Therefore, it is also important to employ a team of responsible women to shadow your movements and recover items you will surely fail to add to the van’s manifest upon morning departure I.e. Shira, thanks for bringing my contact solution from Washington to Richmond.

Venue Note: ABC is early 80′s old and has been fighting for its space since inception. Supposedly, the city just awarded them over a million dollars to continue being whatever they are, which from what I can tell is a a pretty rockin legit punk non profit. Neat. Zine library on the second floor. Freegan food is here. Pie.

Raein blow ABC apart, exchange a bunch of their clothing and personel record collection for gas money, load the car and advance south to Philidelphia for its second show of the day. It’s Thanksgiving weekend and the grid locked traffic between New York and Philly makes us very anxious about making Danger Danger on time. Add 1:30 hrs to Google’s estimated short trip and we arrive just in time to borrow equipment, tune up, and barter. Big thanks to the band Towers for letting Raein use their gear.

Post Philly show, we head over to Craig’s massive seven bedroom home and meet a pair of Jessicas (one from Fort Wayne), order an insane amount of food, watch a few scenes of Fifth Element, eat popcorn, chill with Philly natives/transplants. Sleep in nook. Sleep with cats. Sleep.

Wake. Phil walks down the street to a market and buys a loaf of bread and peanut butter. Phil returns. Jessica appears with a large crate of assorted fruits and veggies. Disbelief. Phil eats an avacado spread on toast. Thinks about how Anna likes that type of thing. Raein eats fruit. Andrea makes coffee. His voice is shredded from singing two shows in one day and we all worry for him. Dress. Leave Craig’s mansion, go to Rocky Balboa’s training steps, see very attractive Russians, drive on 4th street, head to Richmond, VA.

Pictures: ABC exterior, Danger Danger interior

Thanks go out to Greta and Cristina for keeping us company in Newark.

Critical Survival Warning: Newark will suck you dry of everything. Money, chi, etc. Flee at first chance.

US Customs Tip: Generally speaking, when traveling internationally and after being caught by customs for having taxable merchandise, it’s wise to not lie about its purpose i.e. Don’t call it False stories add time to your detainment and can get you sent home. However, if you must be caught bringing merch, make sure you’re handsome and in an Italian punk band. Dishonesty through accents is super endearing and you will avoid deportment.

Bullet #2: With Raein in the van, we “get the fuck out of Newark,” pay $8 to get back to NY, and then drop in on Grillo, our first host. Grillo is gregarious and eager to share his flat with a few sleepy travelors. Pig Destroyer is on the stereo. Cold Vein poster is on the wall. Riccardo and Michele are on their backs, sleeping. The rest of us go drink (Charleston in Williamsburg) at a place where they give you a free pizza with every drink purchase. By this time we’ve aquired Gabe, our other NY host that will board the rest of the band and the Indiana boys. Windy outside. We take the subway. We almost fight an “undercover cop.” We plead Italian.

In the morning, we leave Gabe and set course to Grillo’s to merge our parties. However, before we are able to do so, the Chevy that just had it’s transmission flushed, decides to blow off the hose that carries the trany fluid. Red stuff everywhere. Major bummer. We push.

Luckily, Jiffy Lube, the chain of oil changing garages, was responsible for the popped hose. We call. Complain. Travis, from the Brooklyn Lube arrives and reconnects our hose and refills a bone dry fluid tank. He is a saint and should be officially commended by Jiffy Lube corporate.

Traffic/bullet dodged.

Picture taking note: iPhone wasn’t built to properly capture Raein.

At the airport now. Charging the iPhone that this all is being written on. Pictures below are of Woolworth building, World Trade Tower One fountain, and the Brooklyn bridge.

Italians should be here very soon.

The Coleman "2 Burn Pro"

In all survival situations your primary objective should be securing hot food that was cooked over a propane stove. Therefore, whether it’s miles high in the Alpine Tundra, down lower in the half-beetle-eaten campsites of Rocky Mountain National Park, or under a garage at The King’s Rest motel, Twigs and Tourniquets is always prepared to set up and start cooking with their venerable Coleman Two-Burner Propane Stove.

The Coleman Two-Burner Propane Stove, or 2 Burn Pro, is just one of many propane fueled stoves available in the wilderness. Notable features include wings, a little handle, and a sold separately ignition source. For surviving and cooking on a budget, the 2 Burn Pro is a must-own combination of propane utility, inexpensive bean-cuisine heating elements, and back-seat-of-the-car-space-taking-so-hitchhikers-are-not-an-option ballast.

The Brunet One using a 2 Burn Pro in the wilderness

In addition to hot food, survival situations require quick thinking and quick reflexes. To test these requirements, the engineers at Coleman incorporated a “survival anxiety inducer” into the 2 Burn Pro’s dissassembly routine by making sure the propane tank unscrewing procedure frightens you every time with its sudden escaping gas “blast off” effect. Should a survivalist not be frightened every time by the ” blast off” that he/she knows is coming, Twigs and Tourniquets suggests a higher dose of Centrum survival vitamins to keep nerves nervy.

Experience was: $2 propane tanks never run out of juice or the ability to rust. Theoretically, cooking and obtaining lockjaw with propane cans is infinite

Fuel fact: Generic propane tanks with questionable containment qualities can secretly and slowly leak “sleepy” gas into the car for hours and still not need replacing even after cooking with them for the rest of your trip.

Visual Appearance: Sturdy

Audible Presence: Hissy

Emotion Score (out of four): ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Twigs and Tourniquets Approved: Yes

Survivalists dying from lack of propane stove can get linked to one at Amazon through colemancampstove.com. Price $65.

Survival note: A Teflon pan is good for keeping food clean up easy. However, when ferrous foods are needed but are in very short supply, an iron skillet will keep you hyper-emia-ized (sp), your sauces tasting like blood, and maintain your ability to produce elbow grease for scraping off stubborn burnt egg residue.

Nutrition note: Bring enriched pasta when noodles will be your primary carbohydrate source. You need vitamins and minerals to be survivalist strong.

Transportation note: Do not leave Burger King wrappers, gourmet Cinnamon buns, wet materials, lotion, sun screen, etc. in a car that is parked next to a sewer grate that burps up fecal fumes at will.

Apartment watching note: If you will be surviving outside of your apartment for more than one week, it is okay to leave the remnants of multiple meals on plates in the kitchen sink. The first few days of putrid haze will not be experienced by you but by your faithful apartment attendant. No worries. On the fourth day, the haze will part. On the fifth day, homeostasis will be achieved. Sixth day, dishes are miraculously clean. Seventh day, rest.

Returning stuff that you borrowed to survive note: The full grown male survivalist is woefully incapable of preparing packages for the mail without totally embarrassing himself in front of half a dozen seasoned USPS package senders. Embarrassment aside, everyone is getting their stuff back.

Survive trying,

The Brunet One